We think the world has opened up through technology, we can keep up to date with what our friends are doing by a scroll through social media whilst the children are in swimming lessons, you can send a quick work email whilst stirring the dinner. The world is literally at your finger tips.
But is this proper connection?
Before social media the only way to find out what was going on with your friends and family was to talk to them. As a teenager I would get in from school and then spend over an hour talking to my friends on the phone (well just less than an hour as you got charged when you got to 60 mins – remember that! Hanging up and redialling to get another hour in!) I remember my mum saying, “You’ve literally just seen her on the bus!” At university, when the phone bill came in it was a lengthy and difficult process working out who had called who and for how long so we could split the bill fairly, the bill was pages long each month. We’d also, more importantly, spend hours just hanging out with each other. Not necessarily doing anything special. Popping in for a cuppa, revising together, wandering around chatting.
Then came texting and although that took over some communication, we still talked to each other. We still went out, met our friends and had long conversations on the phone.
I love Facebook memories, one of the first things I do in the day is to look at that and reminisce over wonderful times gone by. And when I look at them I notice how much more I properly connected with people. I went out, I met friends for a cuppa and cake, or a wild night out dancing. I saw friends on the school run every day. I had people to say hello to and to ask how their day had gone. As the years move on from 12 years ago, to 6 years ago to 3 years ago to now I see a real difference in my day to day life.
Yes, there has been a global pandemic since then which meant none of us actually saw anyone for a very long time. But during that time we all talked about what we would do when restrictions were lifted and realised how much we missed human interaction. We made promises to meet up more, organise more meet up, talk to each other more.
Has it happened?
I don’t think it has.
Because we what we also learnt during that time was how to communicate without seeing people. How to get work done, how to keep in touch with friends and family, through technology.
Our lives are so busy. Rushing from one thing to the next, with your phone pinging notifications and reminders at you, people needing you and your attention all the time. It’s a huge juggling act to keep everything going. So it’s easier to just get things done using technology. It’s easier to send someone an email than calling them because you can do something else as the same time. I’m doing it now! I’m writing this blog as well as replying to emails that come through while I’m writing and I have notifications going alerting me of social media interactions.
We think this is helping, we think technology is helping us streamline our lives so we can meet everyone’s needs.
But at what cost to our own?
The NHS states “Good relationships are important for your mental wellbeing. They can:
- help you to build a sense of belonging and self-worth
- give you an opportunity to share positive experiences
- provide emotional support and allow you to support others“
I could hit you with all sorts of scientific research as to how human connection boosts your physical health too, but I know you don’t have time to read that. If we are really honest with ourselves, is the level of connection you have with people now meeting those needs mentioned by the NHS?
How long has it been since you have looked someone in the eye and had that sense of proper connection? Since you felt like you mattered to that person and they were genuinely interested in your reply?
Having conversations online helps us with connection in a modern, busy world. But it isn’t enough. We need, and deserve, more than that, better than that.
So what do we do about it then? How do we fit that proper, meaningful connection back into our lives?
1 – Put your phone down. How often do we have a conversation with someone whilst doing something else? Put your phone down and look at people. Ask your children or partner how their day was, look at them when you ask and when they reply! Which of those work emails could be an actually conversation? Instead of emailing, get up and go and ask them, or if you are not in the same workplace pick up the phone and call.
2 – Use your phone differently. Instead of using your phone for social media scrolling and texting, use it to make plans to see someone. Yes, in actual real life. Think of 10 people you would consider your closest. When was the last time you saw them? Properly? Make that date, organise something. Now!!!!
3 – Seek it out. Connection doesn’t have to come from those closest to us. It can also come from fleeting moments in our day. Saying hello to those you pass in the street. Chatting to the cashier at the shop. Stopping a little longer to chat to work colleagues or people you meet on the school run. You can fill your connection cup up surprisingly quick throughout the day when you really try.
4 – Be more spontaneous. Remember a time when we could just knock on someone’s door and they’d invite you in for a cup of tea? Or when someone rang and said, “Fancy a night out tonight?” and we just said yes? Why did that stop? It’s become the social norm to prearrange everything months in advance. And then it becomes complicated and you can’t find a date that works or someone then forgets. Live in the now. If you’ve got a spare hour this afternoon, use it for connection. Send that text to say, “Come over for a drink at the weekend!” or “Fancy a coffee after the gym today?” Stop hiding away!
Some of those suggestions might make you cringe or shudder with anxiety. It might feel like the last thing you want to do, interact with people. But we are anxious about it because we have gotten out of the habit of doing it. Was teenage you worried about calling a friend? No! So why are we now terrified when our phone rings? Was 2010 you worried about what a colleague would say if you knocked on their door with a cheery hello? No! Did you die of embarrassment when you knocked on a friend’s door and they were busy? No? So give it another try today.
Make a pledge right now with me. Action this straight away, don’t over think it, just do it! Then come back in a week’s time and tell me how it went.
