That’s how it feels at the moment. I can understand why so many women get misdiagnosed with depression at this time. Life just feels like hard work.
But it’s different to depression. Well not that I have had that, but I have read a lot about it. People talk about the black mist descending and not being able to find joy in anything. It’s not like that for me at all. I find joy in many things.
Sitting watching the rain, watching TV, scrolling aimlessly through Pinterest, watching reels on social media, watching the birds on the feeder, embroidery, reading a book, lazing in the bath.
But what do you notice about all of those things?
They don’t require much thought or effort.
Because anything else feels too hard. I feel like I am wearing lead boots or wading through sludge. There are so many random thoughts popping in and out of my head it is like all the apps on a phone are running at once, all with notification settings on and it is draining the power. I am operating on minimal power.
And this is so alien to me, I am used to being the energetic one. I’m the woman who runs 3 businesses and runs marathons. I am the woman who is on lots of committees and signs up for things at the drop of a hat. I’m the woman who is always there to help others.
Well I used to be that woman. And to stop this turning into depression I need to keep telling myself that this is temporary. I can be that woman again (well maybe not the marathons!) I just need to be kind to myself and acknowledge that things are hard now. But only now.
Another weird thing is how quickly I can shift. I had a burst of energy earlier this afternoon and got loads of work done. I was a hive of activity, back to my old self. But then something shifts and all of that goes away. I find myself drawn to my phone to watch things to occupy my mind in a different, easier way. And then everything shuts down and it is so, so hard to start things up again. I feel like someone has put a weighted blanket on my back and I can’t move underneath it.
I’m just about functioning at work. But it takes its toll. When I have a day at the castle I put my game face on for 5 hours, get through with a lot of snacks and fizz sticks to keep me alert and power through with a smile. My anxiety is worse and I’m having to really concentrate on my stress levels not getting out of control. I get home and crash. I can’t function at all for a good hour after I get home sometimes. I look up at the clock and realise I have been staring at the garden for 15 minutes and not realised. Sometimes I sit and watch reels in the car on the drive as that is far easier than getting out.
When I am working from home on my businesses I have an attention span of about 15 minutes. I am getting the work done, the schools are getting their analysis and I’m keeping up with my emails, but I’m not bringing in any extra work because the creativity that takes has gone. I see flashes of it every couple of hours, but either the idea disappears before I can write it down or I don’t have the time to see it through due to how long everything else is taking.
I actually looked into ADHD symptoms and I know some of you reading this who are not menopausal will be thinking it sounds like that. But that was my low self esteem talking. I know the symptoms of ADHD inside out as my eldest has been diagnosed for 10 years. But again, women are being misdiagnosed because this is not talked about enough and GPs haven’t had adequate training.
Should I say all of this? Write it down for others to see? After all, my colleagues and boss may read this. Potential clients might read this and wonder if I am the right person for the job.
Yes, I should, but I know I am not alone. Millions of women will be feeling just like me today. This needs talking about more. People need to understand more about how this is affecting us and not judge us. With so many other women being like this I am probably the best person for the job, as I understand too.
I’m hoping help is on its way in the form of HRT (more of that in another post) and I just need to be patient. I’m not good at that usually, I usually operate at 90 miles an hour trying to fit in as much of this glorious life as possible.
But maybe this is also Mother Nature’s way of telling me to slow down. Maybe this was all part of the plan. I’m finding lots of new recipes on Pinterest, learning great life hacks by watching reels, and slowing down and noticing more is great for my wellbeing in many ways.
Maybe that sludge is good for me? You know that I love to drink a pint of ‘sludge’ in the morning in the form of a protein shake. Maybe this kind of sludge is good for me too and it will force me to slow down a little and regroup.
As much as some of it will be good for me, I’m not settling for this though. I’m not ready for this to be my life, I have too many wonderful things I want to do, goals I want to achieve, places to go, people to meet. I have an appointment this week with the Dr to start treatment. If you recognise any of what I’ve talked about, please book in to see yours. Even if you are already on HRT or other treatments, if you are feeling like this you shouldn’t be. Don’t settle.
