One of the hardest parts of this chapter in my life is living with self doubt. My parents bought me up to believe in myself and until I hit my early 40s I went through life with one some would say arrogance. I’d say self-belief, but we’ll come to that in a moment.
But now every day is a battle with this.
Maybe you didn’t have the great self belief to begin with so this is eroding your happiness even further or maybe you are so used to it that it isn’t affecting you so much. I’m not sure which is worse to be honest! To have previously had it and lost it or never have had it before.
But who is with me about obsessing over every little comment, or lack of comment or look or action?
Every single little thing.
Let’s go back to the self belief/arrogance thing that I began with. In Britain we don’t seem to like people who believe in themselves, we prefer to think of ourselves as meek and humble. We can’t even accept compliments about our clothes without turning it into a negative. “Oh this old thing, it was whatever I pulled out the wardrobe first, I’ve had it ages, it was in the sale” when actually it was a well thought out outfit which took the best part of the afternoon to get right. Or when someone says well done for a work achievement, we reply with, “Shut up! It wasn’t me really, others got it too.” When actually all we have to say in both instances is a glorious, “Thank you!”
Where this all gets skewed is when people mix up self belief with arrogance. I’m going off on a tangent here but stick with me! The Cambridge Dictionary define arrogance as “unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are more important than, or know more than, other people”
So here is a list of things that are absolutely not arrogant
- Saying thank you in response to a compliment
- Knowing what you are capable of
- Sharing good news
- Playing to your strengths
- Setting boundaries for your own happiness
I’m telling you all this because I want you to strive for better and realise that it is not arrogant to think better about yourself. We need to break down the stereotypical, outdated British thinking of talking ourselves down. It’s not healthy.
Anyway, back to my original point, well one of them anyway.
I grew up through my teens and into adulthood with a sense of belief in myself. That’s not to say that every day was rosy, that is unrealistic and probably would make me arrogant. I relished new challenges, I said yes to things and believed that I could do them. I knew what I was good at and played to those strengths. I remember being nervous at job interviews and big life events such as becoming a mum. But that was healthy nerves, the kind that drive us to do better, not the kind that cripple us into becoming a recluse.
That’s more like what I am experiencing now.
And what chips away every day at that self belief is other people’s words and actions. They don’t mean it, they have no idea they are doing it even. Throw away comments, well meaning jokes, eye rolling, judgmental looks. They certainly don’t know the effect they are having on me.
Some of it is me massively over analysing what people are saying and thinking about me. But I’ve done enough work on myself to be able to get rid of those intrusive thoughts on a general basis. Only on really bad days will I lie awake at night going back over things like this.
Most of it is invisible even to me.
The little comments and actions chip away at my self esteem and self belief and then disappear so I forget it even happened. They are like moths that eat holes in your clothes without you knowing they are there, or woodworm destroying even the most beautiful and strong pieces of timber.
To keep the analogies going (I do like analogies, get used to that in my blogs!) there are a few comments that stick with me. They appear like in the cartoons from years ago, when you would have good and evil represented by a little figure on a character’s shoulders. These little darlings sit there and talk into my ear when I am least expecting it. Repeating what someone has said, or reminding me of something that happened. As I said before, they are not too frequent, I have ways to zap them away, but they are still appearing and still causing damage.
So as I said, because most of it is silent, I forget that it is happening, I’m expecting my self belief to still be there. I say yes to things, get ready to go out, turn up for work, start new projects fully believing I can do them.
Then it hits me.
“No you can’t.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“You can’t do this.”
“It’s too much.”
“You won’t be able to cope.”
My heart starts to race, pounding in my chest. I can feel the tears pricking in my eyes.
But I won’t be defeated by this! Let me tell you what I do to combat this, or at least prevent it from affecting me so much , in case it can help you.
Self help books/accounts
This is another thing that isn’t very British but I urge you to get out of your comfort zone and embrace it. If you are not ready for full on books just yet, then start small by following some social media accounts. Not just ones that post inspirational quotes, they are great but quite limiting. Look for ones that challenge your view of situations. I really like Vex King for this. Then try out podcasts. I haven’t really got into podcasts yet,so I’m hoping you can fill me in for recommendations for this. When you are ready, I do urge you to head to the self help section of a book shop and have a browse. This genre of writing is so broad I think it is hard to choose on line. Stand in front of the shelves, look at the titles and see what speaks to you. I can highly recommend Mel Robins, Michelle Obama and Rachel Hollis. Their books changed my life, literally. I view the world, the people in it and deal with situations so differently and for the better because of their books.
Meditation
Putting a little time into learning how to breathe well for my mental health and how to meditate has helped me no end in stressful situations and when these damaging thoughts come into my head. I can’t do a full on meditation session in the middle of the work day, but I can do the deep breathing and relaxing part to slow my heart rate and silence the pounding heart. I used the Calm app to learn how to do this and some You Tube videos on tapping.
A good sleep routine
We put this kind of thing in place when our children were babies for a reason! So bring it back for yourself. I personally think the the ‘no screens 2 hours before bed’ is highly unachievable and put most people off even trying so I’m not going to suggest that! But I try not to scroll on social media 30 mins before bed. I do watch the TV, I find having something funny to watch before bed really helps switch my mind off so we tend to have reruns of comedy shows on in the bedroom when we go to bed. I then have a couple of shows I always watch If I am struggling to wind down. Just like our babies knew that certain things meant bedtime, a favourite book or song, my brain knows that when I start watching Gogglebox or Bake Off it is bedtime and I am sleepy within 10 minutes! If I am really struggling then I put on a sleep story from the Calm app, but I haven’t had to use that in ages.
Eating properly
Eating a healthy diet isn’t about what I look like, it’s about how I feel. When I eat certain foods my blood sugar spikes up and my heart starts to race. I know I can’t deal well with stress when I’m in this kind of state. Also, eating lots of sugars and simple carbohydrates puts my body on a roller coaster of blood sugar highs and lows which wears me out too. So good choices in the food department really helps me cope with the anxiety gremlins. If you would like some more help with this, have a look at the tabs across the top of my website and then message me to see which would be the best fit for you.
Ulitmatley, I want to try and take control of this as much as I can. I can’t control what people say to me, how they act around me or even what they don’t do. But I can try to control how I react to that. I can’t control when it hits me smack in the face, but I can control how I deal with it when it does.
Thanks for reading this epic blog post! It was a lot longer than I intended it to be. Do let me know if it has helped you and how and the please share with your networks too.
