Or disappointment, hate, resentment or rejection. But there aren’t many famous songs about that!
I wrote last month asking if you needed to let go of things, if you haven’t read that yet, go here. But this is going to explore how to let go of thee things and why it ii so important.
Hopefully the last blog sparked a bit of feeling inside you. “Yep, that’s me!”, or a more subtle, “I’m not sure, but I think so.” Remember we talked about how to identify, getting angry often, struggling with emotions, difficulty sleeping, not coping with daily stresses.
Now I know a lot of you are experiencing the menopause. yes, these are symptoms of the dreaded big M. No, you shouldn’t just dismiss them as part and parcel of the menopause and live with them.
There will be other things at play, such as hormones and diet but you can totally, most definitely help yourself by dealing with, properly dealing with, past events that are causing trauma within you.
Now , the best thing to do is to seek professional help from a counsellor but I know that is very costly and most of us can’t afford that on a regular basis, if at all. So what follows is my personally advice, what has helped me.
Step 1 is acknowledging you have an issue with thins kind of thing. There is still stigma around this, but really, what’s wrong with just admitting you are struggling to let go of the past, that a past event is still impacting you in a negative way? If a friend of loved one was struggling you would want them to open up, so treat yourself with the same kindness and admit what you are finding hard. You don’t have to tell anyone, saying it on your head is ok. Writing is down might be quite powerful too. I’ll give you some ideas
“I’m hurting from a relationship break down. “
“I lost my job because of Covid”
“My friends hurt me emotionally”
“My mum died and life just isn’t the same.”
You may have one thing, you may have a few. But identifying it, recognising it are really important tools in moving forwards. I’m not going to use moving on, when people die it is often hard to hear that as it feels like you are leaving them and the memories behind. If you move forwards they can come too, but in a positive way. But it also gives you a choice, you can choose to leave things behind as you move forwards too. Forwards empowers you to take that choice.
Step 2 is naming the emotions those events cause in you. I feel sad when… It makes me angry to think about… I am so disappointed about … Acknowledging those emotions helps them not take over your life. It’s ok to be sad, angry, disappointed. They are perfectly natural states to be in, temporarily. But when we supress them, they bubble to the surface at the most inappropriate time.
The I want you to think about how much of your day is rule by those emotions. Spend the nest few days connecting with yourself more and noticing how often you get angry, say, feel hatred. If you are reading this I’d take a guess it would be alot . Do you want o feel like this all the time?
Now although this isn’t a blog solely about death and grief, an aside about that. It is totally ok to be happy. You deserve to be happy. It does not mean you love the person that died any less. if you realise you don’t want to feel like that anymore.
Step 3 is to make active choices throughout your day that will help. When we are in the state of upset/trauma/disconnection it feels easier to seek out more of that. We become what we consume. That means who you spend your time with, the books you read, the programmes you watch on the TV, what you listen to, the social media accounts you seek out. If the news is making you angry, stop watching it. make a point of watching things that inspire you or make you happy. Pull yourself away from sad music and either listen to something more uplifting or switch to a funny podcast. If the people around you are making you unhappy, book time with friends who make you smile. Join new hobbies if necessary.
Big adulting point, it is totally okay to move forwards from a friendship group if it no longer makes you happy! Be grateful for the good times you had in the past but respect yourself enough to move forwards to happier times.
Focus on the small positive things throughout your day.
Step 4. I wasn’t sure where to put this one. You might find it intermingles through the other points or it might be a bigger thing for you and address it separately.
Be grateful for what has passed and look forward to allowing more joy into your life.
That sounds very woo and deep and meaningful but it’s very simple, it is what you would encourage children to do.
Think back to the event/person that is causing your trauma and upset. There will be positive things to connect with that time, you will probably have to go further back than you originally set out to. The job that you lost, it made you happy , it paid for things; concentrate on that. The loved one that died, don’t focus on the pain of losing them and missing them now, but the good times you shared.
The end part of that statement – allowing more joy into your life. When we are holding on to these negative thoughts they act as a barrier to joy and happiness. You are literally using them as shields when others are throwing love and joy at you. You can see it coming and don’t let it get to you. To use another castle analogy, you pull the drawbridge up, the pain and sadness it the moat around you and nothing can get over to the castle island to you.
When we make that active choice that is step 4, you put down your shield. You lower your drawbridge.
I’m not saying you will be 100 % happy all the time as soon as you make this choice, I don’t think that is possible for anyone to be honest. But you will be happier than before you started this process and that’s what we want isn’t it. It also isn’t going to be a quick fix either. It’s not going to be that you read this blog post and now everything is ok. It’s going to take time, but the important thing is you have started.
So what do you do next?
Before you forget, bookmark this page. Save it on your browser, go back and save the Facebook or Instagram post that led you here. Pin to your homescreen. Take some screenshots. You are going to want to come back to this in the future.
Then look back at the steps laid out above and see where you need to start. Where are you currently? What are you going to start with.
If you would like help with this then share that you are going to do it, tell your partner, send this to a friend, reach out to me (always happy to help), or if you are really bold then write about it on social media. Being open makes it real and provides accountability, you are more likely to see it through and make positive progress.
I’m writing this at the end of 2022. I sincerely hope with all my heart that you this helps you have a happier 2023. Please come back to me and let me know how you get on with this.
